Ever read Portia Nelson’s There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery?
If not, it’s the shortest story about behaviour change you’ll ever find.
Five tiny chapters.
One big question:
Are you really ready to change… or are you still walking down the same street hoping the hole will move?
The Hole, The Street and Our Favourite Patterns
In Nelson’s poem, the narrator keeps walking down the same street and falling into the same hole in the sidewalk.
- At first, they don’t see it.
- Then they kind of see it, but pretend not to.
- Then they see it, fall in anyway, and finally admit, “This is my fault.”
- Eventually, they walk around it.
- Finally… they choose a different street.
That’s behaviour change in five lines.
We like to think change happens the moment we “decide” something will be different.
But if you’ve ever promised yourself:
- “I won’t react like that next time.”
- “I’ll stop checking my email after 7pm.”
- “I’ll be more patient with my kids / my team.”
…and then found yourself in the same emotional pothole again, you already know: insight alone isn’t readiness.
What “Readiness for Change” Really Looks Like
Most people say they want change.
But being ready for change is a little more uncomfortable than that. It often looks like:
- No longer believing your own story about why you “had no choice.”
- Seeing the pattern clearly – the trigger, the emotion, the reaction – and admitting, “I’m part of this.”
- Tolerating the discomfort of doing it differently, even when the old way is easier in the moment.
- Letting go of being right in order to be aligned with who you actually want to be.
In Portia Nelson’s language, readiness for change is the moment you stop arguing about the size of the hole and start asking:
“Why am I still walking down this street?”
That’s the turning point.
For Leaders: You Can’t Manage What You Pretend Not to See
If you lead a team, you already know people don’t change because you send a memo.
They change when:
- they see the pattern,
- feel the cost of staying the same, and
- believe a different street is both possible and safe.
Portia’s “hole” shows up at work as:
- the tight deadline that always becomes a crisis
- the same few people picking up the slack
- the “we’re fine” culture that avoids hard conversations
- the leader who is “too busy” to reflect, but not too busy to repeat the same mistakes
As a leader, your behaviour is the street your people are walking on.
- If you normalise overwork, they fall into the same exhaustion.
- If you avoid conflict, they learn to step around real issues.
- If you role-model reflection, boundaries and ownership, they see what walking around the hole – or choosing a new street – looks like in practice.
Readiness for change in leadership isn’t just about asking your team to do better.
It starts with: “Where am I still blaming the hole?”
For Parents: The Street Our Kids Learn to Walk
Parents feel this story in their bones.
You might recognise the “hole” as:
- snapping at your child when you’re tired
- reaching for your phone instead of being present
- repeating phrases you swore you’d never use because your parents did
Children don’t just learn from what we say – they learn from the streets we walk down every day.
Readiness for change as a parent sounds like:
- “When I’m stressed from work, I take it out in my tone.”
- “I tell them to regulate their screen time, but I don’t regulate mine.”
- “I say connection matters most, but my calendar tells a different story.”
That’s not about guilt.
It’s about honest awareness: seeing the hole, naming it, and experimenting with a different step.
Maybe that looks like:
- pausing for three breaths before you respond
- putting your phone in another room for dinner
- apologising and repairing after you fall into the same hole (again)
Our kids don’t need perfect parents.
They need adults who are willing to say, “I’m learning to walk down a different street too.”
You Can’t Drag Someone to a New Street
Here’s the hard part for leaders and parents:
You can’t force someone else to be ready for change.
You can:
- Name the pattern gently and clearly
- Set boundaries and expectations
- Offer support, coaching, tools and structure
- Model the behaviour you’re asking for
…but you cannot do their inner work for them.
In Portia’s story, no one picks the narrator up and moves them.
They change when they decide to see the pattern and take a different route.
For anyone managing others – team members, teenagers, aging parents – this is humbling and freeing:
- Your responsibility: the clarity of the street you create and the example you set.
- Their responsibility: whether they keep walking into the hole.
Questions to Check Your Own Readiness for Change
If you’re reading this as a leader, a parent, or both, here are a few quiet questions to sit with:
- What’s the “street” I keep choosing, even though I know where the hole is?
- What story do I tell myself that keeps me going back there?
- Where am I still blaming the hole instead of owning my pattern?
- What would “walking around it” look like this week – in one concrete action?
- If I chose a completely different street, what might that be?
- A boundary
- A new habit
- A different way of asking for help
- A conversation I’ve been avoiding
The Romance of Self-Discovery (In Real Life)
Portia Nelson calls it “the romance of self-discovery” – and that’s a beautiful way to describe the messy process of growth.
Because readiness for change isn’t a switch you flip.
It’s a relationship with yourself that deepens as you:
- notice your patterns faster
- take responsibility sooner
- recover more kindly
- and choose new streets more often
Leaders, parents, partners – underneath all those roles, we’re adults trying to walk in a way that feels more aligned with who we want to be.
So the real invitation from this little book is simple:
This week, don’t promise yourself you’ll never fall into the hole again.
Instead, quietly ask: “Am I ready to walk down a different street?”
That’s where real behaviour change begins.
Meet you there?
~ Vantage Proof Consulting, Dec 2025.